Quotes

Miscellaneous

  • Dan: “Come smell this.” Ryan: “Ew I don’t want to smell China air.”
  • Erica: Excuse me, do you know what a cation is? Stranger: Sorry, I’m not from around here. - AMC Cantera 30 Theater
  • Todd: I don’t need sex. I can do it myself, I just throw some water on my hand and it’s like the same thing. Kate: Water? You can’t even masturbate properly. No wonder you’re such a miserable sack of shit.
  • Todd: It’s a port (wine), you can tell by the color. Kate: Maybe it’s just flat coke, you don’t know. It would be a cheaper photo shoot. Todd: No, it’s not the right shade of brown. Its too dark. Kate: Well, maybe it’s Mr. fucking Pibb.
  • Jay: Super tacos?!? What’s in those? Damian: Your humanity.
  • Chris: No, you put the pastrami in. Jason: I don’t think they would like that. Chris: That’s what they get. - Quigley’s
  • Bernie: It’s so crowded that you could fart and blame it on someone else. Bill: That’s why I love this place. - Taste of Chicago
  • “Smoking is very glamorous.” - Dan (Jason’s Boss)
  • Bill: Nothing created atoms. They simply have always existed. Erica: How can you be satisfied with that? Bill: Because it’s logically sound.
  • “Nipples.” said by Damian in an assertive tone.
  • “Did Damian and Bill bring this kitchen sink for us?” - Amy’s Mom
  • “Watch out because there might be spiders jumping out of everywhere.” - Damian
  • *Drinks a shot of SoCo Lime* “…tastes like Christmas.” - Sergio
  • Customer: How much does this book cost? Cashier: Three shoe shines. - Hypothetical bartering situation
  • “Well they’re retards. So it doesn’t really matter anyways.” - Jason
  • “I’m not answering any other questions until I get some socks” - Kami
  • “This man converts matter into energy!” - Bill
  • Dan: “Did you have a computer ethics class at school?” Ryan: “*Scoffs* There is no ethics, it’s a computer.” - Posted on Overheard In the Office
  • “When casting from a number, the value must be a number less than infinity.” - Microsoft Visual Studio 2005
  • “Do you hear someone talking about ponies?” - Bill
  • “Meatball!” - John
  • “Last night I got drunk and made a MySpace profile for my dog.” - Christie (Paraphrased)
  • “They have a weak argument, we have a strong argument.” - The person with the “strong argument”
  • “WTF, Kawasaki’s site is down. If they cant maintain their web server, why should I buy one of their bikes? What if I hit the brake and it says “404 Not Found” what am I going to then Kawasaki, what am I going to do then?” - Bill
  • “Her initials should just be ‘Bitch’” - Ryan
  • “Don’t you think that all retards look alike?” - John Ott
  • Chris: “Your hair looks nice, you got it cut?” Leslie: No. Chris: Eh, whatever
  • “I can’t wait until I’m old enough to be passed off as senile” - Bill
  • “Lets just go play in the fucking sandbox” - Leslie
  • “I ate a lotta Jesus” - Leslie
  • “I look forward to judging people.” - John
  • “Back the fuck away from the hand dryer!” - Some scary dude in a public bathroom
  • “What?! Dogs can laugh?” - Ryan
  • “Do you know how easy it would be for me to rape you?” - Jason
  • “Thats a lotta little fucking pumpkins!” - Kami
  • “But Danielle, 3 is 1 greater than 2″ - Jay
  • Bill: “Chris!” Chris: “What the fuck?!” Bill: “You’re on the edge of traffic!” Chris: “What’s happening to me?!” - At the crazy modern hotel in Germany
  • Kristin: “Are rabbit’s feet real?” Chris: “No they hover.”
  • “Only way to be a champion Bill, only way to be a champion.” - Jay
  • “Luigi’s gone, dude. Luigi was a customer” - Chris to Jay at Denny’s
  • “Whoa thats a big spider! There I got it, but who is going to clean up the shaving cream?” - Chris
  • “If there ain’t no trim, Chris isn’t in” - Chris

  • “I don’t want to hear the word ‘Clan’ ” - Liz
  • “Smmmmmugglers Cove!” - Jay
  • “Everything’s something nothing” - Kami to Jay on Lake Shore Drive

  • “Ah senorita, you are the pasta girl yes? Here we are, pasta for you!” - Cafeteria Cashier at Kami’s Work

Road Trip

  • “I’da pop’em” - Crazy Taxi Cab Driver in Vegas
  • “It’s like trying to get a wedding dress on a fat drunken chinese whore.” - Jason at Yosemite while helping Bill put his tent away
  • “What’r you doin!” - Jason at Mount Rushmore to an unknown boy
  • “Time to restore balance *flicks cigarette butt*” - Jason at the Black Hills
  • “Yea, grease eye sucks” - Bill
  • “What are these? Fucking clouds? I don’t think so” - Damian
  • “Ooooo, That’s it, you’re all going down” - Damian
  • “Snakes!” - Damian
  • Jay: “Check out that girl’s tits.” Damian: “Which one?” Jay “The one pushing the stroller.”

Famous

  • “The country is run by extremists because moderates have shit to do.” - Jon Stewart
  • “Charity is taking an ugly girl to lunch.” - Warren Beatty
  • “When the tyrant has disposed of foreign enemies by conquest or treaty, and there is nothing more to fear from them, then he is always stirring up some war or other, in order that the people may require a leader.” - Plato
  • “Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.” - Plato
  • “Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body.” - Seneca
  • “The greatest mystery is not that we have been flung at random between the profusion of matter and of the stars, but that within this prison we can draw from ourselves images powerful enough to deny our nothingness.” - Andre Malraux
  • “The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” - Horace Walpole
  • “If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?” - Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
  • “The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick, and Colon.” - Kurt Vonnegut
  • “Religion is something left over from the infancy of our intelligence, it will fade away as we adopt reason and science as our guidelines.” - Bertrand Russell

TV

  • Daphne: I don’t see what’s so hard about telling Roz you were wrong. Frasier: You don’t understand. It’s not the same as Dad being wrong, or your being wrong. I have a degree from Harvard. Whenever I’m wrong, the world makes a little less sense. - Frasier
  • “I hate so much about the way you choose to be.” - Michael Scott
  • “If you woke up this morning wondering what structure contains the greatest density of concrete, here is your answer: The Three Gorges Damn” - The History Channel
  • “It’s like sex, except I’m having it!” - Fry
  • “I will not rest until every year, families gather to spend December 25th together at Osama’s Homobortion Pot and Commy Jizzporium” - Jon Stewart
  • When a sign says “Do not feed the bears,” man, you better not feed the bears. - Homer
  • “Let every evil lung fill” - Todd Flanders
  • “You’re not the the time Kent, you’re not the time!!!” - Arnie Pie in the Sky
  • “When’s my time Kent? When’s my time?!?” - Arnie Pie in the Sky

Movie

  • “The milk was a bad decision” - Will Farrell